The Onion really thinks it’s better than us

The Assorted Veggie Headquarters

As all three of our readers may know, our main competitor in the news industry is The Onion: America’s most mediocre news source. The Onion has always touted its superiority; it has neglected to even acknowledge our existence. Funded continuously by a variety of sources and pesky ads, the bulbous root has never had to fight for publicity. The Assorted Veggie raised a challenge, and invited the Onion to take it up. At press time, the Onion commented, “I don’t know who you are, but you’d better get off company headquarters before we call the authorities.”

Anthony Weiner laments his unfortunate name

Brooklyn

As of May 19th, 2017, Anthony Weiner pleaded guilty to charges against him involving sexting, child pornography, and overall pedophilia. In his tearful, moving confirmation of his guilt, Weiner claimed to be “predisposed to this terrible illness” due to his “unfortunate name.” “My parents could have named me anything,” Anthony sobbed in court, “I could have been Anthony Brown, or Anthony Spellings, or Anthony Ryan, I could have been Anthony anything!” The court made certain to take into consideration the man’s unfortunate circumstance and the fact he was a white straight cisgender male before casting their decision -- a couple warnings and a bit of jail time. As a sector of the liberal media, we apologize in advance for posting this report, and will remember to refrain in the future.

EPA head can’t believe there are still scientists in his agency

Washington D.C

As of May 7th, nearly every incompetent scientist in the Environmental Protection Agency was replaced with an experienced, responsible fossil fuel industry employee. The improvements were thanks to Scott Pruitt, the new head of the EPA under Trump. “There’s just so much left to drain from the swamp,” commented Pruitt, exasperated, as he walked through the office headquarters. “This place is an absolute mess -- ugh!” Halfway through the interview, the agency head found littered on his tables countless, unsightly research documents. “Disgusting! You see what a mess this place is in?” He muttered obscenities under his breath as he tidied the scene, cautiously picking up the facts and figures between the tips of his fingers. The interview was held up even farther when Pruitt began spraying down the room with Febreze, as it “still smelled faintly of plants.” It was clear that the busy man did not have time for The Assorted Veggie at that date, and we instead inquired of the whereabouts of the scientists, and whether the media may receive a quote from them. We were declined due to new FCC regulations that disallowed the publication of any sort of valid or truthful information on any given media outlet.

Local: Economics teacher’s solid red shirt displays obvious allegiance to the Communist Party

Fremont, California

According to reports from anonymous sources, an AP economics and government teacher at Washington High School has been touting blatant support for the Communist Party. “It’s obvious. Everyone notices,” commented Justin, a student of the accused. “He’s always saying how that red shirt is his favorite one. He even wore it after election day.” The Assorted Veggie, unwilling to trust merely children for the story, called on the man himself to comment. “I just think red goes really well with my skin,” said the strange, definitely guilty teacher, who’d apparently had ties with Russia since childhood. On closer observation of his classroom, all stamps on student’s work were little red stars -- clear evidence of his guilt. “Even the comic strips on his door are in a star shape. Unbelievable,” exclaimed a staff member who just happened to be passing by. At press time, the educator admitted defeat, and arrived on campus in a bright green shirt instead.

Democratic Senator shocked that murder could be attributed to genteel, elegant party that has never done anything wrong, ever

Sacramento, California

Though Seth Rich was murdered mid 2016, as of late, controversy has surrounded his death, as it has with every event in 2016. Sources suggested he may have leaked thousands of DNC emails to Wikileaks, possibly containing incriminating information regarding the democrats, mere days before his death. The Assorted Veggie, being liberal media, could not possibly allow such slander to be believed, and worked to collect statements from democratic leaders to clarify the issue. “Well I think that’s a ridiculous assertion,” commented Diane Feinstein, a democratic California senator, as she held in one hand a glass of sparkling red wine and cradled her faux furs in another. “We would never dream of conducting such atrocious behavior. This can only be the hands of the feral republicans! Hmph!” She proceeded to turn away and slam the door of her mansion, which we later discovered she acquired by poisoning the white wine her husband chanced to consume in an attempt to quicken her access to the estate.

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Starbucks absolutely ruins coffee with ice cubes made of said coffee

Seattle, Washington

Customers in Starbucks headquarters at Washington expressed overwhelming disgust to Starbuck’s newest innovation: coffee ice cubes. “It just defeats the entire purpose of coming here,” commented Brandon Rogers, longtime Starbucks customer. “I come in here, I sit down, I pay a $1.50, and I expect to receive the most heavily diluted cup of coffee that can conceivably be produced in this nation.” According to a random sample of Starbucks - consuming Americans, 98.5% were opposed to the new addition. Mathematician Stefan Klein mused, “If one were to buy a cup of coffee and ordered a supply of ice cubes for 80 cents that comprised the same additional volume of coffee offered for a $1 more, customers cheat the corporation out of 20 cents each. It’s an abomination.” According to independent sources, College Board commented that the mathematics behind ice cube volumes and prices made for an interesting AP Statistics FRQ problem next year, and funded Starbucks’ decision.

Lifestyle: A Look into the Romantic Escapades of Vladimir and Donald
Paris, France

Everyone’s favorite white house couple, Vladimir and Donald, announced last weekend they were off to a romantic vacation in Paris to commemorate a successful election season. “It’s a break I’ve really been needing,” Trump informed sources, gently snuggling into Putin’ shoulder as he did so, and occasionally stealing a kiss. “His company always lightens my heart.” Vladimir was relatively silent, but Donald assured reporters he was simply a “quiet boy.” “Shy boys have always been my type,” he joked before boarding the plane. The Assorted Veggie tracked their vacation -- the two visited a variety of luxurious bars, and of course toured the Louvre and the Eiffel tower. Every night involved working themselves through a barrage of media for a bit of alone time, but that didn't fend the reporters off for more than a day. Donald spoke to reporters nearly every morning, red faced. “He always gets me to open up about myself. So many secrets between us. It's wonderful.” He kissed him on the forehead, and Putin smiled eerily. "Yes," he said, "wonderful."

Vast majority of population supporting Net Neutrality through sheer fear of Bing, study finds

U.S
Due to recent developments regarding the abolition of net neutrality and public backlash, the Assorted Veggie decided to conduct a nationwide survey to track the reason users support neutrality. It revealed at least 97% were terrified of a search engine called “Bing” loading faster than Google. What was so menacing about Bing? We asked a local man from New York how he felt. “Bing is kind of like the racist aunt at Thanksgiving who says she isn’t racist so often it kind of cements the fact that she is, indeed, racist,” he explained in an eloquent analogy. “”When you try really hard to make something seem like it isn’t uncool it’s probably pretty uncool.” The Assorted Veggie, unwilling to provide to our valued readers a one sided report, decided to interview Bing employees. “No one needs net neutrality,” commented a publicity manager at the company, “when you have net cool - al - ity!” He then proceeded to turn his cap the other way and wink for a reason we do not understand, for we did not have any camera nearby and neither did any other major media outlet.

FBI Director had gall to honestly investigate all issues, political ideology aside

Washington D.C, 2023

On an average day, Comey, the former FBI director, allegedly properly did his job -- according to reporters, he “combed through every scandal at the white house, DNC, and GOP, leaving no stone unturned.” “It was despicable,” commented Trump, when approached by the Assorted Veggie. “Soon all of us are going to be hearing things like ‘the sky is blue’. Okay Mr.Perfect, that’s great and all, but everyone wants the sky to be fuschia, and that’s what it’s going to be.” Pence sided by the President on this one, agreeing, “everyone was poor till we all agreed $1 actually meant $1,000. Our economy is skyrocketing. Aggregate demand is through the roof.” In fact, it could quite literally be, since the White House was missing one. When questioned about the perplexing missing roof, Pence clarified it had been something called a “bombing” -- which Trump corrected quickly to the occurrence we are all familiar with -- “large popcorn.” The Assorted Veggie, curious as to what Comey had done with himself since the firing, attempted to question him at his home. However, at press time, he was far too busy reading something called a “book.” The Assorted Veggie investigated deeply, but unfortunately, could not recover any definition for the odd, likely outdated contraption.

Religious Freedom Order really expands freedom of setting limits on other people’s freedom

On May 4th, 2017, Trump signed into law an executive act expanding religious freedom, and everyone championing the American ideals of liberty for all cisgender, straight, christian, abled, white but preferably not Spanish or Irish men across the country rejoiced. “It’s just not everyday you get to see the white male get to have a say in how the country is run,” shrugged Sean Spicer, Trump’s press secretary. “We’re always discriminated against, pushed on the back burner, because everyone’s busy talking about women and LGBT and all that hullabaloo -- finally, we’ve got a president actually listening to us.” The religious freedom act allowed all people across the country the freedom to bar other people’s freedom in all sorts of locales, including schools, employment, and government agencies. “An important part of my religion,” detailed Mike Pence, vice president,, “is that I’m much better than everybody else. It’s with the deepest feeling I am capable of -- mild pleasure -- that I congratulate Trump on this momentous achievement.”

Local Republican Experiences Shock at First Sneeze of his Life
Washington DC
"I just didn't believe this to be possible," sniffled Mike Pence, bed ridden for the first time in his life. "This isn't supposed to happen to good people!" Mike Pence was one of the many republicans applauding the American Health care act that passed the House last Thursday -- an act meant to punish, as Paul Ryan put it, "those who have sinned." "I mean," sobbed Mike Pence, on further questioning. "I can see one of those gays getting sick. Or maybe one of those despicable women having sex before thirty - four. But me?" He hung his head, presumably bursting into tears. "I'm not sure what the big deal is," shrugged a local poor person. "It's not much of a punishment, in my opinion. I've always rather wanted the sweet embrace of death." The Assorted Vegetable. however, was not going to take only a couple of sides for questioning. We called up God, who surprisingly, allowed us an appointment at 7:30. When asked how he could possibly have time for this sort of thing, he shrugged and answered, "Well, people just don't seem to want me to save lives that much anymore. It's cool though. I've been watching Netflix." Later sources confirmed that Pence had been denied healthcare on the basis of his age, and was relying on prayer to cure himself. Unfortunately, a really good show was on, and God didn't notice.