The Onion really thinks it’s better than us

The Assorted Veggie Headquarters

As all three of our readers may know, our main competitor in the news industry is The Onion: America’s most mediocre news source. The Onion has always touted its superiority; it has neglected to even acknowledge our existence. Funded continuously by a variety of sources and pesky ads, the bulbous root has never had to fight for publicity. The Assorted Veggie raised a challenge, and invited the Onion to take it up. At press time, the Onion commented, “I don’t know who you are, but you’d better get off company headquarters before we call the authorities.”

Anthony Weiner laments his unfortunate name

Brooklyn

As of May 19th, 2017, Anthony Weiner pleaded guilty to charges against him involving sexting, child pornography, and overall pedophilia. In his tearful, moving confirmation of his guilt, Weiner claimed to be “predisposed to this terrible illness” due to his “unfortunate name.” “My parents could have named me anything,” Anthony sobbed in court, “I could have been Anthony Brown, or Anthony Spellings, or Anthony Ryan, I could have been Anthony anything!” The court made certain to take into consideration the man’s unfortunate circumstance and the fact he was a white straight cisgender male before casting their decision -- a couple warnings and a bit of jail time. As a sector of the liberal media, we apologize in advance for posting this report, and will remember to refrain in the future.

EPA head can’t believe there are still scientists in his agency

Washington D.C

As of May 7th, nearly every incompetent scientist in the Environmental Protection Agency was replaced with an experienced, responsible fossil fuel industry employee. The improvements were thanks to Scott Pruitt, the new head of the EPA under Trump. “There’s just so much left to drain from the swamp,” commented Pruitt, exasperated, as he walked through the office headquarters. “This place is an absolute mess -- ugh!” Halfway through the interview, the agency head found littered on his tables countless, unsightly research documents. “Disgusting! You see what a mess this place is in?” He muttered obscenities under his breath as he tidied the scene, cautiously picking up the facts and figures between the tips of his fingers. The interview was held up even farther when Pruitt began spraying down the room with Febreze, as it “still smelled faintly of plants.” It was clear that the busy man did not have time for The Assorted Veggie at that date, and we instead inquired of the whereabouts of the scientists, and whether the media may receive a quote from them. We were declined due to new FCC regulations that disallowed the publication of any sort of valid or truthful information on any given media outlet.

Local: Economics teacher’s solid red shirt displays obvious allegiance to the Communist Party

Fremont, California

According to reports from anonymous sources, an AP economics and government teacher at Washington High School has been touting blatant support for the Communist Party. “It’s obvious. Everyone notices,” commented Justin, a student of the accused. “He’s always saying how that red shirt is his favorite one. He even wore it after election day.” The Assorted Veggie, unwilling to trust merely children for the story, called on the man himself to comment. “I just think red goes really well with my skin,” said the strange, definitely guilty teacher, who’d apparently had ties with Russia since childhood. On closer observation of his classroom, all stamps on student’s work were little red stars -- clear evidence of his guilt. “Even the comic strips on his door are in a star shape. Unbelievable,” exclaimed a staff member who just happened to be passing by. At press time, the educator admitted defeat, and arrived on campus in a bright green shirt instead.

Democratic Senator shocked that murder could be attributed to genteel, elegant party that has never done anything wrong, ever

Sacramento, California

Though Seth Rich was murdered mid 2016, as of late, controversy has surrounded his death, as it has with every event in 2016. Sources suggested he may have leaked thousands of DNC emails to Wikileaks, possibly containing incriminating information regarding the democrats, mere days before his death. The Assorted Veggie, being liberal media, could not possibly allow such slander to be believed, and worked to collect statements from democratic leaders to clarify the issue. “Well I think that’s a ridiculous assertion,” commented Diane Feinstein, a democratic California senator, as she held in one hand a glass of sparkling red wine and cradled her faux furs in another. “We would never dream of conducting such atrocious behavior. This can only be the hands of the feral republicans! Hmph!” She proceeded to turn away and slam the door of her mansion, which we later discovered she acquired by poisoning the white wine her husband chanced to consume in an attempt to quicken her access to the estate.

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Starbucks absolutely ruins coffee with ice cubes made of said coffee

Seattle, Washington

Customers in Starbucks headquarters at Washington expressed overwhelming disgust to Starbuck’s newest innovation: coffee ice cubes. “It just defeats the entire purpose of coming here,” commented Brandon Rogers, longtime Starbucks customer. “I come in here, I sit down, I pay a $1.50, and I expect to receive the most heavily diluted cup of coffee that can conceivably be produced in this nation.” According to a random sample of Starbucks - consuming Americans, 98.5% were opposed to the new addition. Mathematician Stefan Klein mused, “If one were to buy a cup of coffee and ordered a supply of ice cubes for 80 cents that comprised the same additional volume of coffee offered for a $1 more, customers cheat the corporation out of 20 cents each. It’s an abomination.” According to independent sources, College Board commented that the mathematics behind ice cube volumes and prices made for an interesting AP Statistics FRQ problem next year, and funded Starbucks’ decision.