Vast majority of population supporting Net Neutrality through sheer fear of Bing, study finds

U.S
Due to recent developments regarding the abolition of net neutrality and public backlash, the Assorted Veggie decided to conduct a nationwide survey to track the reason users support neutrality. It revealed at least 97% were terrified of a search engine called “Bing” loading faster than Google. What was so menacing about Bing? We asked a local man from New York how he felt. “Bing is kind of like the racist aunt at Thanksgiving who says she isn’t racist so often it kind of cements the fact that she is, indeed, racist,” he explained in an eloquent analogy. “”When you try really hard to make something seem like it isn’t uncool it’s probably pretty uncool.” The Assorted Veggie, unwilling to provide to our valued readers a one sided report, decided to interview Bing employees. “No one needs net neutrality,” commented a publicity manager at the company, “when you have net cool - al - ity!” He then proceeded to turn his cap the other way and wink for a reason we do not understand, for we did not have any camera nearby and neither did any other major media outlet.