The Onion really thinks it’s better than us

The Assorted Veggie Headquarters

As all three of our readers may know, our main competitor in the news industry is The Onion: America’s most mediocre news source. The Onion has always touted its superiority; it has neglected to even acknowledge our existence. Funded continuously by a variety of sources and pesky ads, the bulbous root has never had to fight for publicity. The Assorted Veggie raised a challenge, and invited the Onion to take it up. At press time, the Onion commented, “I don’t know who you are, but you’d better get off company headquarters before we call the authorities.”