EPA head can’t believe there are still scientists in his agency

Washington D.C

As of May 7th, nearly every incompetent scientist in the Environmental Protection Agency was replaced with an experienced, responsible fossil fuel industry employee. The improvements were thanks to Scott Pruitt, the new head of the EPA under Trump. “There’s just so much left to drain from the swamp,” commented Pruitt, exasperated, as he walked through the office headquarters. “This place is an absolute mess -- ugh!” Halfway through the interview, the agency head found littered on his tables countless, unsightly research documents. “Disgusting! You see what a mess this place is in?” He muttered obscenities under his breath as he tidied the scene, cautiously picking up the facts and figures between the tips of his fingers. The interview was held up even farther when Pruitt began spraying down the room with Febreze, as it “still smelled faintly of plants.” It was clear that the busy man did not have time for The Assorted Veggie at that date, and we instead inquired of the whereabouts of the scientists, and whether the media may receive a quote from them. We were declined due to new FCC regulations that disallowed the publication of any sort of valid or truthful information on any given media outlet.