Local Republican Experiences Shock at First Sneeze of his Life
Washington DC
"I just didn't believe this to be possible," sniffled Mike Pence, bed ridden for the first time in his life. "This isn't supposed to happen to good people!" Mike Pence was one of the many republicans applauding the American Health care act that passed the House last Thursday -- an act meant to punish, as Paul Ryan put it, "those who have sinned." "I mean," sobbed Mike Pence, on further questioning. "I can see one of those gays getting sick. Or maybe one of those despicable women having sex before thirty - four. But me?" He hung his head, presumably bursting into tears. "I'm not sure what the big deal is," shrugged a local poor person. "It's not much of a punishment, in my opinion. I've always rather wanted the sweet embrace of death." The Assorted Vegetable. however, was not going to take only a couple of sides for questioning. We called up God, who surprisingly, allowed us an appointment at 7:30. When asked how he could possibly have time for this sort of thing, he shrugged and answered, "Well, people just don't seem to want me to save lives that much anymore. It's cool though. I've been watching Netflix." Later sources confirmed that Pence had been denied healthcare on the basis of his age, and was relying on prayer to cure himself. Unfortunately, a really good show was on, and God didn't notice.